If you're like me, you've probably encountered people who don't want to be in your life. It is weird because we all know that it's best to keep the people who make us feel good in our lives — and yet somehow, we attract those who aren't good for us. And worse, we continue to seek them and chase them. We send them a million texts only to get a one-word response (if that), leave voicemails, send them things we like from Instagram, call them, make excuses on their behalf, and change our whole life agenda for them just to accommodate them in our lives. And they don’t even show up, after everything.
Why does this happen? It happens because of several reasons. We chase them because we think they'll make us happy or give us something that will fill the emptiness inside us. It is also possible that we are addicted to the chase. Pursuing someone and pining for them is now a normal state of being for us (even if it is miserable, it is familiar). It is also possible that as children we did not get the attention we needed from our parents and we always had to seek it, often in unhealthy ways.
So how do we get out of this vicious circle? We just have to decide to stop. It’s the hardest thing you will ever do. If you feel your will failing, or are gathering the courage to stop chasing people, here are some strong reasons that I hope will help you along the way.
Don't chase people – here is why:
Because if they want to be in your life, they'll make an effort
If they want to be in your life, they'll make an effort to become part of it. The most important thing you can do for yourself gives people your full attention when you're together and let go of any expectations about how often or what kind of contact you should expect from them. If someone cares about you, they will make an effort to keep in touch with you and spend time with you—and if not, then maybe it's time for that relationship to end anyway.
You shouldn’t waste your time on someone who is not 100% invested in your relationship
We all know that feeling. You’re in love with someone, but they aren’t fully invested in you or the relationship. They spend more time on their phone than they do talking to you; they don’t reply to your texts for days or weeks at a time; and when they do speak to you, it feels like they are not even fully present. They always have a great excuse/reason.
It's a tough spot to be in—your desperate want for this person who is half-invested (or less) in anything related to your relationship with them, yet there is something pulling at your heartstrings that keeps you coming back anyway. When you are in this situation, remember that not everything you feel is a fact. Just like we all have mood swings and emotional ups and downs that are temporary, these unrealistic strong feelings are not real. Your brain is just wired to react in this way when someone ignores you.
It is a human instinct to seek and hoard things that are rare and only available in short supply. Fulfilling our needs of safety and love is extraordinarily strong in us. So, when we encounter a situation where something is in short supply, we instantly want more of it. It is our biology, and this response is built into you.
You deserve to feel secure, you are good enough
You deserve more than someone who makes you feel like you are not good enough. You deserve to be with someone who's not only half invested in the relationship, but also appreciates and values you for who you are. In fact, our feeling of inadequacy makes it even harder for us to quit such toxic relationships. We don’t stop chasing people who are bad for us because we feel inherent that we will not find anyone that is better.
For whatever reason, our physical appearance, quirks, professional life, or any other area of life we feel that we will be alone. That no one will love us because of these. But the reality is completely the opposite. You will find someone who values you and deeply appreciates you for who you are. They will love all your quirks and help you love them, too. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be in your life—not only for the times when it is convenient or fun, but all the time. Don't settle for less.
If it is meant to happen, it will happen
Sometimes, you attract people who don't really want to be with you. These people may use you for validation or attention and then move on when they have what they want.
If this happens, let it go. You are better off without someone who doesn't appreciate and value you as much as you do them. If someone does not appreciate the relationship that you two share and doesn't see their future with you, it's time to let go – even if that person is your best friend or the love of your life.
Some people come into our lives to teach us something, show us our inadequacies, insecurities, and the areas of our lives that we need to work on. So, if you are in a situation where you must let go of an intense connection with someone rather suddenly, it's time to reflect on it. What was the universe trying to tell you? What did you want to learn about yourself?
You need to make space for good to come into your life
You cannot fill a glass that is already full. Let go of this toxic relationship that is not serving you. You are not living the purpose of your life because of this one person. Think about the magnitude of that thought. This one person is stopping you from fulfilling your life’s purpose.
Make the space. Open your fist. Stop pursuing this person. Start pursuing your life instead. Let the good things come into your life.
They need to sort things out in their life before you can be a part of it
The truth is this may not even be about you. It's possible that the person you are chasing is struggling. Maybe, there are things in their life that they need to figure out first. Maybe, they need to learn a few life lessons of their own before they can be a part of your life. And you know what? No amount of support and understanding from you can do that. They are on their own journey. If they are meant to be in your life, they need to be better versions of themselves to deserve you.
There are certain people who come into our lives at just the right moment. They fill us with joy, laughter, or even just a sense of purpose — but then they disappear from our lives again as quickly as they enter them. And when these people leave us for good, we're left feeling like life isn't quite complete without them anymore. It may feel like that for some time. And honestly, it may even feel like that for a long time. But here is why your life will still be infinitely better off.
How your life will improve if you don't chase people:
You will get the gift of time
Just think about the time you spend checking your phone, sending messages, thinking about the message you sent, overanalyzing the messages they sent, rearranging your life, making, and changing plans, etc. Just think about how much time you are spending on this. You will get all that time back. You can refocus on your career, mental health, physical well-being, social life – basically anything you deem important.
You will have a lot of mental and emotional bandwidth
It's not just the time, you will also feel lighter after letting go. You will be more present in your other relationships; you will notice their feelings and subtle nuances that you may have missed before in your preoccupation.
What’s more, you will also feel more in tune and in touch with your own feelings about other aspects of your life.
Your self-worth will go up
Letting someone toxic go is the highest level of good you can do for yourself. As much as it may shatter you on the inside for the first few weeks, you will experience a renewed sense of self and self-worth. So don’t minimize that feeling of heightened self-worth when you experience it.
You will make better decisions
Since your main consideration point isn't someone else’s life and priorities, you will make decisions that are good for you and your life. These series of good decisions have a snowball effect and lead to an exponentially better life than the one you are living now.
Are you ready to let go? If you are, consider performing the cord cutting ritual. We have an entire article on the topic below:
We’ve all been there, and if you haven’t yet, don’t worry — you will be. It sucks to be rejected by someone we like or love (many times, over the years), but sometimes it can be for the best: if they do not want to commit themselves to you and your relationship, then they probably shouldn’t have been your partner in the first place. Don't let them break your spirit; instead, use this as an opportunity for self-growth and empowerment.