You deal with a no by letting it hurt first, then looking at it as one answer to one ask. Feel it, learn what you can from it, and ask again somewhere else.
That sounds tidy on paper. It never feels tidy when it happens. The email that starts with "Unfortunately." The message left on read. The promotion that went to someone else. We've all been there, and it stings every single time.
Look at it another way, though. If every door swung open the moment we knocked, we'd stop noticing the doors. It's the no's that teach us what a yes is worth. So rejection is part of the road to a good life.
J.K. Rowling's first Harry Potter manuscript was turned down by twelve publishers before Bloomsbury said yes and published it in 1997. Chris Gardner, the real man behind The Pursuit of Happyness, heard no after no, spent nights in shelters with his young son, and kept going anyway. Their stories show that a no is rarely the last word. So let's talk about how to get through one.
Pause and breathe
Before you fix anything, let it land. Rejection hurts, and that isn't you being dramatic. In one brain-imaging study, people who had recently been through an unwanted breakup showed activity in some of the same brain regions that respond to physical pain when they looked at a photo of their ex. Your body is taking this seriously. So can you.
We're all built a little differently, so we won't all process a no the same way. Some of us cry. Some of us go silent. Some of us clean the whole kitchen at midnight. All of it is allowed.
Try this: sit down, put a hand on your belly and breathe in gently for a count of five, then out for five, for about five minutes. It won't change the answer. It will give you enough room to decide what to do with it.
Handle rejection at work without making it about your worth
Didn't get the job? Someone else got the promotion? Got let go, or lost the deal you'd been chasing for months? Rejection at work comes in a lot of costumes, and it usually arrives on a weekday when you still have to show up and act normal.
So first, don't take it more personally than it was meant. Companies make decisions for reasons that often have nothing to do with your skill or your work ethic: budgets, timing, a change in direction. A no from an organisation is information about that organisation at that moment. It isn't a reading of your soul.
Then, make it useful:
- Write it down or tell someone you trust. Just naming what happened takes some of its weight away.
- Ask for feedback, once, politely. "Is there anything I could do differently next time?" is a sentence most people will answer.
- Take the honest bits and work on them. Leave the rest.
- Keep applying. One door closing doesn't close the building.
If you need a pep talk for the bad days, Jay Shetty's short video on being rejected is a kind one.
Be gentle with yourself after romantic rejection
We've all had a crush, or several (no judgement here). Love feels huge when it's there, and its absence can leave us feeling flat and empty. Whether it was a school crush, an on-and-off relationship, or the one you thought was forever, the pain of that idea breaking is real.
So pen it down. Not only does it take some weight off your shoulders, who knows, you may be the next Byron or Ed Sheeran. Then call a friend who's been through something similar, someone who really gets you. You need empathy right now, not advice.
And don't shut yourself away. Plan a girls' night or regroup with the guy gang this week, even if you only stay an hour. It's going to feel intense for a while, and it may seem like the world is crashing down. Let time do its thing. Just love yourself a little extra while it does.
Look after your body while your heart catches up
When you're dealing with a no on your own, small physical things help more than we give them credit for. You don't have to do all of these. Pick the one that feels doable today.
- Move. Go for a run, a walk or a dance in the kitchen. The Mayo Clinic notes that being active can boost feel-good endorphins and lift your mood.
- Get a hug. A real one, from someone you love. In a Carnegie Mellon study, people who felt supported and got more hugs seemed better protected against the effects of stress.
- Sleep. The CDC suggests most adults need seven or more hours a night, and everything feels harder when you're running on less.
- Do something that feels good. Swimming, painting, yoga, catching up with friends. Something that reminds you that you are more than this one moment.
Write it out, then look for the lesson
Once the first shock has passed, writing helps you move from feeling it to understanding it. Journaling is simply writing down your thoughts and feelings so you can see them more clearly, and the University of Rochester Medical Center describes journaling as a way to manage stress and get a handle on your emotions. Sometimes, when you reread your own words, you find the answer was in there all along.
Try three questions, ten minutes, no editing: What exactly did I ask for? What did the no actually say, and what am I adding to it? What would I do differently next time? If you want a gentler structure, our guide to manifestation journaling is a good place to start.
Allow yourself to feel low. Just don't let the low feelings write the whole story. This was one event, in one chapter, and the chapter isn't over.
Practise hearing no, like Jia Jiang
Jia Jiang left his job to build a business of his own. When a major investor dropped out, the no hit him so hard that he decided to face rejection head-on. For 100 days, he went looking for it on purpose.
He asked a stranger if he could borrow $100. He asked a restaurant for a "burger refill." He filmed it all. And in his TED talk on 100 days of rejection, he describes how the pain and shame wore off with practice, and how often simply asking for what he wanted got him a surprising yes.
You don't need 100 days. Try one small ask this week that might get a no: ask for a better table, a discount, a small favour. Notice that you survive the answer. That's the whole exercise.
Notice where the fear of rejection is holding you back
Here's the blunt part. For most of us, rejection itself isn't the problem. The fear of it is. It stops us applying for the better job, asking out the person we like, saying no to a friend when we're uncomfortable, sharing the idea in the meeting, or opening up to someone we love because we're afraid they'll leave.
We only get this one life. One. And the fear will happily spend it for us if we let it.
So pick one thing you've been avoiding because of a possible no. Write it down. Then take one small step toward it in the next seven days. Rejection that you chose to risk feels completely different from rejection that just happened to you, and constantly needing other people's yes is a trap worth getting out of. If that one rings a bell, read why it's time to stop seeking external validation.
Ask for help if the hurt isn't easing
For some of us, a no doesn't just sting. It reopens something older and deeper, and it can feed into anxiety, low mood or a shaky sense of self-worth. That's not a weakness. It's a sign you deserve more support than a pep talk.
Talking therapies can help. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), for example, helps you question unhelpful thoughts and try new ways of looking at things. Counselling, support groups and other approaches work for other people. Go with what helps you. If the hurt sticks around for weeks, or starts getting in the way of sleep, work or relationships, please talk to your doctor or a therapist.
Start over, a little wiser
Bo Bennett once said, "A rejection is nothing more than a necessary step in the pursuit of success." We believe that. A no is a temporary hurdle, and once you're over it the path ahead tends to be a little clearer.
So sit still for a bit. Breathe. Reflect. Process. Then start again. If you need more company for the hard stretch, here's how to get through tough times with resilience.
There is always light at the end of the tunnel. Keep asking.
What's a no that turned out to be a gift? Tell us in the comments.
Lifeism shares ideas and practices for reflection. It is not medical, psychological or financial advice. Read our Disclaimer.